This is mostly just feelings I've had and thoughts in my head. It feels therapeutic to get it out, I guess.
I really feel strongly about what I shared in an earlier post. I believe with all my heart that there is a reason Indie has been so strong her whole life and a reason why I have been learning to work with her, not against her. Accepting her personality and trying to teach her ways to use her strength in positive ways! It's been tough and we have NOT been perfect by any means, but I see now that we were just getting prepared for something that was coming in the future!
But to be perfectly blunt- I'm totally scared out of my mind. For several VERY long months my little family has been enduring this trial, while my husband and I are both in school, participating in church callings and activities, taking Indie to speech therapy, raising another baby and growing another baby-who will be making her appearance in the next month! I feel a little stressed out. I sometimes hear people that are stressed out say things like, "I'm at my breaking point" but I don't really know what that means. I feel like I could say that, I just don't know if anything would happen. I still have a family to take care of and homework to do-while avoiding preterm labor (my sweet little OB has told me that I'm having contractions and dilating a little too early....) We're holding out.
This is in no way a call for help-I feel like it's really important for us to make our own meals, watch our kids (I actually feel like I don't want to be away from my kids at this point) and keep our schedule as best we can during all of this so that we have a purpose every day. Sitting and letting other people do stuff for me has never really been a strong point of mine, but most definitely (in this moment) it's a necessity for me to keep life as normal as possible to keep my sanity. The weight is mounting, however-just ask my sweet neighbor who witnessed a mommy meltdown while letting our boys play together outside. I feel like there are tears constantly behind my eyes...have you ever felt that? Like on a particularly hormonal or stressful day? You just feel like you're going to cry at the drop of a hat? That's me....like every second. Watching my husband struggle is even worse. He's always the person that I can cry to and he'll know what to do. Lately we've just kind of stared at each other with puffy eyes, feeling completely helpless, while we watch our baby girl slowly changing.
Have you heard of the 5 stages of grief? If not-it's here http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
I have always thought that a person only went through these stages when someone passed away. I have found recently, however, that we are definitely going through this right now. Sure there may be a small chance Indie won't make it. But its not grief over that, we believe and know that Indie is going to get better. I feel like it's more grief over not being able to fix it. Not knowing what I don't know, so that I can learn it and do something about it. It's grief that life isn't the same anymore. Don't get me wrong-it's worth every sacrifice to try and help her-but it's been a hard adjustment for us. When kids come out to play we need to bring Indie inside, We aren't taking her to primary for the next little while, and that's her FAVORITE THING EVER. In fact, we aren't taking her to our ward for a little while because she'll see her friends and have a fit that she can't go to primary (a testament to good teachers and good friends). She particularly loves singing time! Our diets have changed to help get her body in prime shape to boost her immune system. We aren't going outside when we hear her friends playing even though she is desperate to-because some research shows super significant correlation to reduced re-infection. she can't play in the sandbox, or the soil that they just freshly laid around all of our bushes (it appears that this type of bacteria is in soil). We boil drinking water to kill the bacteria for drinking, since this bacteria is commonly found in city water.
Every. Single. Thing. that she does that is new, scares me because I think it's a symptom and don't know if it is.
It's not like these things sound or are really that bad-it's really just a lifestyle change, but it's tough. That's all I'm saying. We aren't dealing with a logical adult, we are talking to a three year old that has a love of life and she's a tad emotional! I feel totally ungrateful when I think of kids that we see at the hospital that are in such bad shape. Things could be worse. This is a slow moving bacteria apparently, so we do have time to wiggle with tests, try different treatments, etc. and we are extremely hopeful. We expect Indie to get better.
I am grateful for modern medicine and I'm grateful for doctors and nurses who are so sweet with our girl and make our visits to the hospital (as hard as they are), bearable. We are taking EVERY chance to enjoy the little things together. I have always felt like that was one thing I did well as a mommy-Our home would get a little disheveled in the attempt to enjoy time with my kids. With that said, It has really taken a whole new dimension now. Taking opportunities, spending time together, and putting family first has a whole new meaning and we are loving time together-including sleepless nights that are filled with cuddles. (I Never thought I'd say I would enjoy sacrificing sleep to be up at night, but I really LOVE the cuddles!)
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